Dept. of Approvals
An endless retro-futurist records hall: canyons of mint-green filing cabinets vanish into fog under brass pneumatic tubes, and one tiny clerk on a rolling ladder looks completely lost.

Bureau of Oversight · Department of Approvals · Sub-Basement 4

You are being controlled.
Badly.

Somebody is in charge of everything. They have a clipboard, a three-hour lunch and no idea where your file went. Welcome to the Department. Please take a number.

File Form 404-B Take a number

Interoffice Memorandum

To
The Governed (all)
From
The Overlords (Acting)
Re
Your concerns, ref. yours of the 14th, ult., misfiled

We are aware of rumors that a shadowy cabal controls every aspect of your life. We would like to reassure you: this is true, and you have nothing to worry about, because we are terrible at it.

The Plan for Total Control was approved in principle in 1971 and is currently awaiting a signature from a Deputy Assistant who retired in 1983. Until it is signed, the Plan cannot be implemented. Until it is implemented, the Deputy cannot be replaced. We consider this a very stable arrangement.

In the meantime, please continue to submit your requests in triplicate. Each one is read, considered, stamped and placed carefully somewhere.

Signed, on behalf of a committee, by a different committee

Window 12 is open (Window 12 is always open; nobody knows where it is)

Form 404-B: Application to Submit an Application

Fill it in. Hand it over. Watch the Department do what it does best. Nothing you type leaves your browser.

Section A · The Applicant
Section B · Nature of Request
Section C · Urgency
Section D · Declarations

Lifetime filings from this browser: 0

Your form will appear here once it has been received, assuming it is received.

    A vast mint-green waiting room with hundreds of identical plastic chairs, a few patient people seen from behind holding tickets, a wilting plant, a wall clock with no hands and a service window with the blind pulled down.

    Please take a number

    The Department serves every citizen in the order received, adjusted for the order in which they were lost.

    Now serving 0012
    Your number ----

    Organizational chart

    Authority flows downward, then sideways, then back to the top for sign-off.

    1. Director of DirectingDelegates everything to
    2. Deputy Assistant to the DirectorForms a working group:
    3. Committee on the Formation of CommitteesRefers the matter to
    4. Sub-Department of ReroutingReturns it for sign-off by
    5. Director of DirectingSee top of chart.

    Org chart revision 31. Revision 32 is awaiting approval from the Director of Directing.

    We found the room where the decisions are made

    It took eleven years, four permits and a man named Gary. Behind the last door on the last floor is the master console: every lever, every dial, every switch that runs your life.

    Nobody was there.

    A vast unattended retro-futurist control room: walls of dials and levers, a coffee cup spilled over a big red button, a half-eaten sandwich on the console and a cardigan over an empty chair.

    A competing idea has been received

    The Benevolent Dictators say they could do better

    Our rivals propose replacing all of this with one cheerful person who knows what they are doing. We have formed a committee to draft a response. The committee has been meeting since March and has agreed on a font.

    Read their pitch and decide for yourself. Then fill out a form about it.

    Hear the other side

    Official merchandise (pending approval)

    We are deciding what to print. Vote for the one you would actually wear, drink from or stick on a filing cabinet. Nothing is charged; this tells us what to make.

    The "Approved*" tee

    Heavy cotton. Fine print included free of charge.

    "I Survived the Waiting Room" mug

    Holds coffee for exactly as long as a queue.

    Stamp sticker pack

    Five rubber-stamp stickers for your laptop, your fridge and your enemies' forms.

    The Scallywag shop already stocks cheeky goods: scallywag-media.com.

    Your security clearance

    Some documents in this building are not where they should be. Neither are you. Look closely at things.

    Classified items located: 0 of 0

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